Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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