Will you blow on my dice?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
