Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
