Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
