So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
