saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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