My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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