I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
