I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
