if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
