So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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