In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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