I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think i got beer on your cat.
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