genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
