I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
