I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Where is the hickey?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
