It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
