I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
