Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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