On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize