I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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