I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
