No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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