If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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