I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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