for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
