Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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