If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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