there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
