hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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