Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
