as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
