Ambien. No doubt about it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
