I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
