we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
