plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
