4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
