just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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