Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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