Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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