please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
