i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
