So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize