I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize