I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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