I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
