I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
