Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
