please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
