nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
