Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
