I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
