I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This house was built for laser tag.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
