i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
