I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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