He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
