my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
