Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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