You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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