I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
