ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
