After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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