Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
